*Trigger warning: Mentions suicide and self harm*
Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness. I feel like bad things keep happening and will continue to happen and existing is hard. I was on the phone with a suicide prevention hotline a week and a half ago and I was feeling like I couldn’t keep existing with so much bad. I was having thoughts of suicide off and on for the last month and the bad felt like it was just piling up higher and higher.
I know I can’t keep existing this way. I have decided I’m going to work hard on changing my circumstances instead of hurting myself. Of course, I can’t change the bad things that have happened to me. I can’t change the way my family treats me and I can’t change the fact that I have depression. But I can take the steps I need to in order to understand what I’m feeling and how to feel it.
In the past, although I was making an effort to recover, I had a bad habit of running away from my emotions when they became too much. I did this by drinking, sleeping, by hurting myself, and isolating myself. This not only failed to resolve the feelings I originally had, but added to my anxiety because I was hurting myself and hurting my relationships.
I’ve made the decision to let myself feel my feelings, no matter how scary that is. The only way to get through something is to let yourself feel it. I’ve decided I’m going to work hard on improving myself and learn how to have healthy relationships with others. I’ve made steps to end the bad habits I used to escape from my emotions, including going to support meetings every day and being more honest in therapy.
In my experiences, suicidal thoughts happen when I feel “If this is life, there is no way I can keep surviving.” Thanks to the H.O.P.E. Collective, some close friends, and the support of strangers in the community, I am learning that there is hope, even if I can’t see it right now. I’m not going to give up, and I hope you aren’t, either.