Over the last few months, I have had to take a few steps back from everyday life in order to better care for myself.
I cannot begin to explain to you how the feelings of guilt and shame took over my body as I sat on the floor of my room after breaking down and admitting to myself, and a few others, that I was not okay.
The combination of not getting a job I had applied for (and desperately wanted), learning new information about my past, working myself ragged, and taking myself off medication was too much for me to handle. The self destructive thoughts, negative coping skills, and anxiety were overwhelming, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Something had to change. I knew if everything stayed the same, I wouldn’t survive.
I began seeing my counselor regularly again, as well as taking my prescribed anti-depressants.
Walking into my counselors office for the first time in almost a year, I felt like I had failed.
I had failed to pull myself together, failed to hide what I was feeling, failed to handle this all on my own like I had every other time.
The first thing she said to me as I sat down in the chair across from her was “It’s okay that you’re here.”
An entire box of tissues, lots of chocolate from the tiny bowl on her desk, and two hours later, I was walking out of her office feeling more hopeful than I had in months.
I poured my heart out to her during those two hours. Explaining to her how I had fought with myself for months, trying to convince myself that everything would be okay if I just kept pushing myself, if I just ignored the cloud of depression hanging over my head.
I thought I had to do it on my own, and tried to tell myself that I didn’t need anyone else.
I was so wrong.
The truth is, I needed help then more than I ever had before.
I have learned three things during this season of healing:
1. Needing help is nothing to be ashamed of.
2. Accepting help is a victory, not a failure.
3. I am worth it.
I am choosing to live.
I am choosing hope.
I am choosing victory.