*Trigger warning: Mentions suicide and self harm*
Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness. I feel like bad things keep happening and will continue to happen and existing is hard. I was on the phone with a suicide prevention hotline a week and a half ago and I was feeling like I couldn’t keep existing with so much bad. I was having thoughts of suicide off and on for the last month and the bad felt like it was just piling up higher and higher.
I know I can’t keep existing this way. I have decided I’m going to work hard on changing my circumstances instead of hurting myself. Of course, I can’t change the bad things that have happened to me. I can’t change the way my family treats me and I can’t change the fact that I have depression. But I can take the steps I need to in order to understand what I’m feeling and how to feel it.
In the past, although I was making an effort to recover, I had a bad habit of running away from my emotions when they became too much. I did this by drinking, sleeping, by hurting myself, and isolating myself. This not only failed to resolve the feelings I originally had, but added to my anxiety because I was hurting myself and hurting my relationships.
I’ve made the decision to let myself feel my feelings, no matter how scary that is. The only way to get through something is to let yourself feel it. I’ve decided I’m going to work hard on improving myself and learn how to have healthy relationships with others. I’ve made steps to end the bad habits I used to escape from my emotions, including going to support meetings every day and being more honest in therapy.
In my experiences, suicidal thoughts happen when I feel “If this is life, there is no way I can keep surviving.” Thanks to the H.O.P.E. Collective, some close friends, and the support of strangers in the community, I am learning that there is hope, even if I can’t see it right now. I’m not going to give up, and I hope you aren’t, either.
I'm a list maker. I love making list. Shopping lists, movies to watch list, books to read lists, packing lists, crush worthy people lists. Lists help me get organized and they calm me. So I thought it would be nice to have a list of reasons to stick around this year. 📝
1. Cats. Big cats, small cat. Cat videos. Just cats. 🐈
2. Pizza is a thing that exist. 🍕
3. Ed Sheeran is coming out with new music. 🎧
4. My To Be Read list is still miles long. 📚
5. Kyle Mooney on Saturday Night Live. 😂
6. The Cleveland Cavaliers 🏀
7. Music 🎶
8. My best friend is having a baby. 👶🏻
9. Jesus loves me. ❤️
10. My family is pretty rad. 👌🏼
11. I can re-watch The Office a couple more times this year. 🖨
12. Star gazing 🌌
13. Feminism ✊🏼
14. I can look forward to lilacs blooming in the spring. 🌱
15. Rainy days 🌧
16. Road trips with my sisters 🛣
17. Sunsets 🌅
The reasons I've listed are specific to me and I know most of them will not apply to everyone, but my hope is that my list will inspire you to create your own list of reasons to stick around in 2017. Don't feel bad if you can't come up with 17, just one reason to stick around is reason enough.
And don't forget to add The H.O.P.E. Collective to your list because we are here for you and we care about you.
We would love to hear your reason(s) for sticking around in 2017! Share your list with us!
Here's to 2017! 🍾 May we discover new reasons everyday to stick around!